no longer alive week

dead week is almost over. thank goodness. i just looked up some synonyms for dead. here they are:

asleep, bereft of life, bloodless, breathless, broken down, buried, cadaverous, checked out, cold, cut off, deceased, defunct, departed, doomed, done for, erased, exhausted, expired, extinct, gone, gone to meet maker, inanimate, inert, late, lifeless, liquidated, mortified, no more, not existing, offed, out of one's misery, passed away, perished, pushing up daisies, reposing, resting in peace, spiritless, stiff, unanimated, wasted.

if you are a fellow student experiencing dead week please tell me those are not exactly how your body is feeling. besides the resting in peace and out of one's misery part. but i might be soon.

do you ever just feel out of place in your own body? it is like your spirit can't contain itself anymore and just needs to escape. you just need to go somewhere but you don't know exactly where that is. but you are kind of content just sitting, staring, pondering. there is so much of your past you are longing for. but so much in the future you want to see now. but you love what is happening in the present. you feel like you might break down crying any minute. but at the same time you just want to smile and laugh because you are happy. life is good, but it needs to be lived. you need to go live it. but this is living it! isn't it?

i sound like a crazy person but this feeling is one i can't put into words. i don't think it is supposed to be put in words. i don't feel like this very often. it makes me feel so alive and so dead all at the same time. maybe dead week has killed my body. but so much has happened to make my spirit alive. that is causing the mixed emotions, probably.

things that are keeping me alive and happy this week:
the discussion with the missionaries and our non-member friends
institute
our pink christmas tree, purple lights, and stockings
egg nog
friends
knowing i'll be with my family soon
scriptures
christmas music

things that are slowly going to kill me:
finals
study sessions
stupid loud dance parties the people below us decide to have
finals
work
brain overload
finals
empty mailbox
calculus
not having enough time to do it all
oh and finals coming

hey guess what. in one week from right now it will all be over and i will be home. with my family. at my most favorite time of year. i cannot wait. let's just hope i make it that far. good luck to everyone else being suffocated, crushed, and "assassinated" by life. i hope you survive.